The Nekked Lizards

Points to Ponder

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"  

Who was the first person to say "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's backside."  

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?  

Why is there a light in the fridge and not in the freezer?  

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?  

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane?  

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?  

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?  

Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?  

Why does goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs! 

What do you call male ballerinas?  

Can blind people see their dreams? Do they dream??  

If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?  

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?  

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?  

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?  

Is Disney World the only people trap operated by a mouse?  

Why do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?  

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?  

Why do they call it an asteroid when it's outside the hemisphere, but call it a hemorrhoid when it's in your a$$?  

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?  

Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

A little more to go...

Yes, I know I haven't been writing a lot lately and when I do, it is rather boring. I have my reasons, so I will share them here. I am on my last leg of my collegiate journey. I am in my last class with less than a week to go and I have 4 papers to write by Saturday. You, my dear reader, are getting the scraps. I can't be witty while I am am trying to be a scholar. It just doesn't work.

Oh but it doesn't end there. Beginning March 3rd, I have 7 weeks of comprehensives - whatever that is. It means I am going to be tested over the last two years before I get my degree. So look for more sporadic blogging. After that, I will offer pics of camping and riding throughout the summer. I can't promise it will be wonderful, but it will be a site better than my mundane ramblings. Wish me luck.

Expiration Dates... yeah, like I believe that...

I am not a big fan of expiration dates. I recently began chewing on cold medicine that had expired in 2002 - big deal. I am over my cold. I have lots of medications that I will save for a rainy day since I never use up the treatment tomes.  I also don't automatically throw out food or other supplies just because it "expires" at midnite. I don't believe it. I think its a way for the Man to sell more of his goods - if nothing expired, we'd have a surplus. As it is the local dump miester - if brave enough - can filter through our trash and never have to worry about prescription meds again. I also have some backing in this. the following article shows just what a conservationists I am. ...

Ignore Expiration Dates
"Best by," "Sell by," and all those other labels mean very little.
By Nadia Arumugam
Updated Wednesday, Feb. 17, 2010, at 10:18 AM ET

There's a filet mignon in my fridge that expired four days ago, but it seems OK to me. I take a hesitant whiff and detect no putrid odor of rotting flesh, no oozing, fetid cow juice—just the full-bodied aroma of well-aged meat. A feast for one; I retrieve my frying pan. This is not an isolated experiment or a sad symptom of my radical frugality. With a spirit of teenage rebellion, I disavow any regard for expiration dates.

The fact is that expiration dates mean very little. Food starts to deteriorate from the moment it's harvested, butchered, or processed, but the rate at which it spoils depends less on time than on the conditions under which it's stored. Moisture and warmth are especially detrimental. A package of ground meat, say, will stay fresher longer if placed near the coldest part of a refrigerator (below 40 degrees Fahrenheit), than next to the heat-emitting light bulb. Besides, as University of Minnesota food scientist Ted Labuza explained to me, expiration dates address quality—optimum freshness—rather than safety and are extremely conservative. To account for all manner of consumer, manufacturers imagine how the laziest people with the most undesirable kitchens might store and handle their food, then test their products based on these criteria.

With perishables like milk and meat, most responsible consumers (those who refrigerate their groceries as soon as they get home, for instance) have a three–to-seven-day grace period after the "Sell by" date has elapsed. As for pre-packaged greens, studies show that nutrient loss in vegetables is linked to a decline in appearance. When your broccoli florets yellow or your green beans shrivel, this signals a depletion of vitamins. But if they haven't lost their looks, ignore the printed date. Pasta and rice will taste fine for a year. Unopened packs of cookies are edible for months before the fat oxidizes and they turn rancid. Pancake and cake mixes have at least six months. Canned items are potentially the safest foods around and will keep five years or more if stored in a cold pantry. Labuza recalls a seven-year-old can of chicken chunks he ate recently. "It tasted just like chicken," he said.

Be safe - protect yourself.

The purpose of fighting is to win. There is no possible victory in defense.  (waiting for attack)

The sword is more important than the shield, and skill is more important than either. The final weapon is the brain. All else is supplemental.
 
1.  Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he'll just kill you.
 
2.   If you find yourself in a fair fight, your tactics suck.
 
3.   I carry a gun cause a cop is too heavy.
 
4.   When seconds count, the cops are just minutes away.
 
5.  A reporter did a human-interest piece on the Texas Rangers. The reporter recognized the Colt Model 1911 the Ranger was carrying and asked him 'Why do you carry a 45?' The Ranger responded, 'Because they don't make a 46.' 
 
6.  The old sheriff was attending an awards dinner when a lady commented on his wearing his sidearm.   
'Sheriff, I see you have your pistol. Are you expecting  trouble?' 'No Ma'am. If I were expecting trouble, I would have brought my rifle.'
 
7.   Beware the man who only has one gun. HE PROBABLY KNOWS HOW TO USE IT!!!

A new header

See what procrastination can do? Already February and I finally put up the new site. Okay, I didn't but I submitted the appropriate paperwork weeks ago. I think a re design is due all around to include the side bars. Any suggestions?

Short Books - Quick Reads

Too busy? Not enough time? In the fast lane? Try some of the following titles:

Things I Did to Deserve the Nobel Peace Prize by Barack "Barry" Obama

Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific

My Christian Accomplishments & How I Helped After Katrina by Rev. Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton

Things I Love About Bill by Hilary Clinton

Things I Love About Hilary: The Sequel by Bill Clinton

Things I Cannot Afford by Bill Gates

Bank Examiners I Won't Screw by Barney Frank; edited by Chris Dodd

To All the Men I've Loved Before by Ellen de Generes & Rosie O'Donnell

Other Black People I've Met While Yachting by Tiger Woods

Things I Love About My Country by Jane Fonda, Sean Penn & Cindy Sheehan; illustrated by Michael Moore

Facts I Can Prove About Global Warming by Al Gore

My Plan to Find the Real Killer(s) by OJ (#36456) Simpson

A Collection of Motivational Speeches by Dr. J Kevorkian

The Amish Phone Directory

Things I Know to be True by John Kerry

The Complete Guide to Military Strategy by Nancy Pelosi; with forward by Barack Obama

Where to Stay in Vegas by Harry Reid

Completing Your Own Tax Return - the Easy Way by Timothy Geitner

Gitmo Versus New York City; There's a Difference? by Rob Emmanuel

Is Winter Over Yet?

Spring is just around the corner