The Nekked Lizards

What movies and television teach us about police chiefs

I saw this on the internet and thought it was funny - how we stereotype our law enforcement. You know - coffee and donuts? Well here is a list of those things we believe police chiefs are all about...

All police chiefs are balding, pudgy, African-American mustachioed men, 50 years-old with hair-trigger tempers.

Police Chiefs are magical creatures that can only be summoned into one of three sacred shrines: a detective’s office, behind the interrogation glass and the office water cooler. They have not homes, nor spouses nor lives outside of the force. Appease them with offerings of stale donuts and old coffee.

Police Chiefs don a mandatory wardrobe consisting of black trousers and a white, striped dress shirt with one silver pen in the pocket and a black necktie. There are no exceptions to this rule.

Police Chiefs have the power to suspend detectives and cops without Internal Affairs inquiries or union interference.

A Police Chief will always suspect a detective of using violence without bothering to investigate the source of the complaint or taking past performance into account.

Police Chief communication is similar to that of the Howler Monkey: loud, ceaseless and audible from 10 kilometers away.

Police Chiefs are notorious for spilling scalding hot coffee on themselves, however they suffer no burns or ill effects later on.

Police Chiefs are a gullible lot, easily fooled by puckish detectives who are able to scam them with the most clichéd of tactics.

Police Chiefs, as harbingers of death, frequently purchase birthday cakes for detectives. However, the wise detective will shun these baked goods, for once the first bite is taken, that detective will receive a phone call with news that someone close has died.

Police Chiefs will invariably have the oldest and messiest desks in the station.

Police Chiefs frequently carry hypertension pills for their bum ticker.

In addition to the aforementioned coffee and donuts, Police Chiefs subsist on a strict diet of items purchased from an aging vending machine. Like scavengers, they will occasionally pilfer cold pizza from a desk or a jar of olives from the station refrigerator.

A Police Chief will frequently complain his doctor is “getting on my case about my diet,” however, since Chiefs never leave their desks, the possibility of a Police Chief even knowing a doctor is quite slim.

All police chief’s have a bottle in their desks, fear calls from the mayor and have no sense of humor or for that matter, no sense.

Want Ads: One Police Chief.
Requirements:
Must be able to say, “I’m gettin’ too old for this sh*t” once per day.
Must be able to eat hanfuls of antacids.
Must be able to yell, "I’ll bust you down to rookie” one time per week.
Bad health not required; will come with on-the-job training.
Desk pounding experience not necessary; but helpful.

Not for the squemish - FSAR is called out.

Friday evening as I was driving home from work, my Search & Rescue pager goes off. It is the local police department, so I fumble with my cell phone and dial the number as I reach the crest of a hill (no signal in the canyons). The line is already busy so I redial a couple of times until I get through. "We have a jumper," the lady dispatcher says..."Meet at the bridge."

She is referring of course to the Royal Gorge Bridge - the highest suspension bridge in the world at 1,053 feet about the Arkansas River. It is 1,260 feet across ... a couple of pics for reference:
     

It is roughly 6pm and I am rushing home to gather my gear. At this point I am not sure whether to grab the mountain gear or the wet gear. A few more pages come over and I call Captain Bob to find out where he wants me. Just then, another page comes from the Sheriffs Office - "Meet at the First Street bridge" which is the first overpass of the Arkansas River as it flows through Canon City. Bob calls again and tells me to bring wet gear - "He already jumped".

I get to the bridge about 620pm and note the rescue vehicles and police. There are a couple of SAR members already there. There are 6 of us on the Swift Water Team, which I was recently trained for (though I haven't finished that story of a couple of weeks ago...). Four of us were there - Jody (nurse), Terry (retired geological surveyor) and Josh (an 18-year old college student). Among others were the beginnings of the command center and those who do not like to get wet.

Captain Bob brings the boats to our launch site and we get our brief. The jumper, believed to be a male, was seen on the bridge approximately 4:30pm. Witnesses said they thought they saw a jacket fly off the bridge - the man was no longer there. The park rangers were tasked to confirm what everyone thought they saw. They travel to the bottom of the gorge and note the remnants of a body. Apparently, there was enough evidence to call out the coroner, ruling out an animal (which has happened in the past).

From the bridge to Canon by river at 3,000 cubic feet per second takes around two and a half hours. We were right on the cusp and the First Street bridge was where the authorities were stationed to watch for body parts. Our job was to retrieve them. Jody and I were Team 1 and Terry and Josh were Team 2. We donned our gear and went river left, while Team 2 maintained river right. The water was rough and fast and it was difficult to remain in the middle without difficulty.

There are way-points and other bridges for the next few miles and we conducted our search with no avail. We received one radio call that they had spotted a black shoe, sole up, coming our way. We never saw it. We traveled down the river - those on the river walk for an evening stroll were oblivious to our mission. By now it was getting dark and the river was tough to navigate as we couldn't make out the rapids ahead. Captain Bob was at a pull out point on Reynolds bridge and waved us in - it was 8:30pm. 

We loaded the boats and went back to First Street for a debrief. The emergency lights were off now except for one that warned traffic people were still milling around. We discussed what went right and what we could have done better. About this time, the county coroner arrived from the Royal Gorge Bridge and told us what she knew.

The jumper did not hit the water - we all knew, and when he hit the rocks nearby, she said he virtually exploded leaving very little behind. She showed us a small sandwich baggy with pink fragments inside. There was no way we could have found any remains, other than clothing or perhaps that shoe. The Sheriff's Office is going to allow for three days then do another sweep - which tends to give the body time to expand and surface.

I got home about 9:30pm after a very long day. There was nothing on the news about it. I retrieved the paper this morning and nothing in there. As of now, the jumper remains in obscurity. We don't know why he jumped - those circumstances obviously died with him until a more through investigation occurs. As it is early, I am hoping to hear from the team more information as it comes in.

Today is Western Days in Canon CIty - activities, shootouts and reenactments, parades, vendors in the local parks - so much to do and see. There is so much to live for. It's a sad day when someone is so distraught that they don't believe life doesn't have anything more to offer.  

Gitmo ways to save money.

There is talk that the Gitmo island detention luxury island for the "we think they could be potentially bad people" might stay open if there are more military cuts in the budget. This coupled with the continued rising costs of gas (notice it creeping up?) and the tax increases, the new administration is demonstrating cost-saving measures based on the economy. We gotta start somewhere.
I hope everyone is able to commute to their jobs as efficiently....

Got insurance? and an explanation?

There are mishaps, and there are screwups. Luckily, the following is not my doing but I thought it my obligation to share it - in case there is ever a time you are thinking about running into a pole while towing a trailer. Let's have a look shall we?
Nice truck - very clean looking.
A closer look in the bed reveals things that look like coolers (beer???)
Doesn't appear to be anyone skiing. I say this was simply a pleasure cruise.
Not sure what the three guys are looking at "behind" the accident. Could there be something more interesting? This is a good place to remind everyone never, ever ride in the back of a pickup. NLM

Father's Day Eve proposal

Memorial Day weekend has passed us by again and our next long vacation (unless there are those out there who are retired, not working and otherwise enjoying not having to go to work, and bring home substantial amounts of money so you can survive.... ) oh, I digress. I can only hope I am grinning about not working in a few years. Anyway, our next holiday is the 4th of July I believe - not counting Father's Day, because Poot forgets for the most part.  To his credit, he has been away at summer camp the past two years. However, this year, he will be home. Let's watch and wait, shall we?

Besides, Father's Day is not 3 days, it's actually just a few hours. I might get to sleep in - unless the dogs get up and the cats want to be fed and other early morning disruptions. For this and several other reasons, I propose that Father's Day eve should be held in a motel room far away from the regular abode. Fathers should celebrate the fact that it was they that initiated the procreation thus continuing the circle of life.

If you are following my train of thought (and I am sure the male species is...)  since it is Father's Day, he should have the option of relieving Bachelor's Eve, which I proclaim to be (at least this year) on June 20th, 2009 and 24 hours prior to Father's Days from now on and forever. The bachelor should be able to eat a hearty meal, drink extensively (to maintain hydration) and play video games or watch an action flick with gratuitous sex and violence. It will not be necessary to shave 3 days prior to this event and though I personally recommend showers, we will not make this mandatory. 

Since the bachelor is in a secret man-cave unbeknownst to all family members, there will be no communication of any sort until he decides to wake up sometime during the 24-hour period officially known as Father's Day. At that time, he has the option of calling a cab, a friend, the local law enforcement agency or pizza delivery service to escort him home to the open arms of the family.

The homecoming celebration should begin with pain killers, cold wet compresses, and clean clothing. It would also be a boon for the welcoming family to purchase balloons and streamers. The grill should be cleaned and ready for some sort of red meat to be tossed up on it. Depending on the night before, beer should be chilled to the appropriate temperature and can double as a wet, cold compress.

As I realize there are several families without fathers, there could be a database of local individuals that could be rented for the day's activities. This, undoubtedly, would bolster their esteem and the  economy. Keep these tips in mind and next year we can learn from our mistakes and perhaps extend the celebration for a full three days. NLM

Humor in Uniform

a tribute to our military and their crack wit -
I think Coffeypot sent this last year.

Military Quotes

‘If the enemy is in range, so are you.’ - Infantry Journal

‘It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.’ - U.S. Air Force Manual

‘Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.’  - General MacArthur

‘You, you, and you … Panic. The rest of you, come with me.’ - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

‘Tracers work both ways.’ - U.S. Army Ordnance

‘Five second fuses only last three seconds.’ - Infantry Journal

‘Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once!’

‘Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.’ - Unknown Marine Recruit

‘If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up.’ – USAF Ammo Troop

‘Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.’
-  - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

‘You’ve never been lost until you’ve been lost at Mach 3.’ - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

‘The only time you have too much fuel is when you’re on fire.’

‘If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it’s probably a helicopter — and therefore, unsafe.’

‘When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.’

‘Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club.’

‘What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up… The pilot dies.’

‘Never trade luck for skill.’

‘Airspeed, Altitude and Brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.’

‘Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!’

‘Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.’

‘The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.’ - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

‘There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.’ - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

‘If something hasn’t broken on your helicopter, it’s about to.’

‘You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.’

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks ‘What happened?’  The pilot’s reply: ‘I don’t know, I just got here myself!’ - Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

No wonder the banks are failing...

Sometimes you have to wonder who is in charge...
 

Origins of Memorial Day - we think

We celebrate a lot this weekend. for many cities and towns around the nation, kids (and parents) celebrate the end of the school year and the opening of the pools. No more running around - except to dump them off and the grandparents or send them off to camp. For the high schoolers (seniors in general) it is a chance to get their feet wet in the job force - thus beginning the cycle of complains of drudgery and work. They never know how well they have it until hey start working for a living - making that $7.50 an hour that before was computed in free rent, food and clothing.

So congratulations seniors on the hopes that you will begin to start pulling your own weight stimulate the economy.

For its namesake, Memorial Day, we honor the veterans who have served in all military branches, past and present. While I was stationed in Montgomery, Alabama at Maxwell AFB, I noted the city did not celebrate Memorial Day - at least most businesses. Why I inquired, the locals deemed it "Northern Aggression Day" and instead chose to celebrate Jefferson Davis' birthday instead (The South refused to acknowledge the day, honoring their dead on separate days until after World War I - as indicated, some never did).

At that time, I did not care what they were celebrating. I just wanted to ensure I had Monday off.

There are conflicting reports as to the origin of Memorial Day. Legend goes that Pres Lincoln (a Republican) wanted to honor all military members that had served and currently served in the nation's defense. However, other sources tell us Memorial Day was officially proclaimed on 5 May 1868 by General John Logan, national commander of the Grand Army of the Republic, in his General Order No. 11, and was first observed on 30 May 1868, when flowers were placed on the graves of Union and Confederate soldiers at Arlington National Cemetery.

I am including a website that further states the movement for the proclamation actually started with the Battle of Petersburg, Virginia in 1864.
Here are some snippets: "Following the Civil War, also known as the War Between the States, various communities started having memorial services for the war dead. The city of Waterloo, New York was officially recognized as the place where the first memorial services were held after the Civil War.

Petersburg, Virginia, has a clear, unbroken, logical chain of events making it the inspiration for and origin of the NATIONAL Memorial Day. "

Commemorating that battle and memories of the old men and boys of the Petersburg militia, the ladies of Petersburg formed the Ladies’ Memorial Association on May 6, 1866. Mrs. William T. Joynes was elected the Association’s first President. The purpose of the association was “to devise means to perpetuate their gratitude and admiration for those who died defending homes and loved ones.”

At their May 30, 1866, meeting, the ladies “discussed the proper celebration of the 9th of June, the anniversary of the noble defence ... by the Reserves, many of whom fell on that day. By a unanimous vote it was decided to make this, the 9th of June, a permanent Memorial Day.” These actions of the Ladies Memorial Association of Petersburg, Virginia, inspired the ultimate establishment of a National Memorial Day.

So there you have it. The site above has a chronicled list of events that justify its claim to Memorial day's origin. Not matter where or how it started, take the time to go out and honor those - alive and dead - that have served proudly to defend this country from all enemies foreign and domestic. It doesn't hurt to have a bar-b-que either with friends and family - celebrating the future as well.

Yet Another Poot Recital - MIDDLE SCHOOL JAZZ BAND

He's the one on the grand piano....

So many political targets, only 2 years....

Oh, Joe. Again? Really?

According to Newsweek's Eleanor Clift, Vice President Biden's famously loose lips loosed top-secret info about the location of the VP's secret bunker. (Guess what? It's in the basement of his house.)

In March, Biden replaced President Obama as the main speaker at the annual dinner thrown by the Gridiron Club, an exclusive journalists' club. The swanky dinner is a chance for media types to rub shoulders with top politicians. But this year, Obama became the first president to send his regrets since Grover Cleveland in 1885.

According to Politico, Biden killed it, poking jokes at his boss and Calif. Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's speech, saying he could "hardly wait for the English translation."

But during dinner, Biden — who's got his very own "Gaffe-o-meter" over at The New Republic — proved once again his terminal case of Foot-in-Mouth Disease. Clift blogged over the weekend that Biden told his dinner mates the location of the secret bunker, where former Vice President Dick Cheney is believed to have retreated after theSeptember 11 attacks: 

"... a young naval officer giving [Biden] a tour of the residence showed him the hideaway, which is behind a massive steel door secured by an elaborate lock with a narrow connecting hallway lined with shelves filled with communications equipment."

(Oops. Did I say that out loud?) Today, the vice-president's spokeswoman issued a statement, refuting Clift's claim, saying that noclassified information was revealed:

"What the Vice President described in his comments was not — as some press reports have suggested — an underground facility, but rather, an upstairs workspace in the residence, which he understood was frequently used by Vice President Cheney and his aides. That workspace was converted into an upstairs guest room when the Bidens moved into the residence. There was no disclosure of classified information."

See? He was talking about his upstairs office, not a super-secretunderground bunker. Totally different.

Luckily, Biden's boss thinks his inability to keep things close to the vest is endearing. At the White House Correspondents Dinner earlier this month, Obama likened his VP to a big, cute puppy. That needs a tight leash...

Who's Next?? Any Votes? NLM