The Nekked Lizards

What's in the pronunciation?

I don't have the snappy comebacks I used to. Mostly, it is because I am not paying attention to what is being said - especially in meetings. In fact, we had a "True Colors" seminar the other day and after an intense analysis of my personality traits versus those of others, I realize that I pretty much think most people are beneath me. Well, that is not necessarily true, but it is fun to think.

Example: one of the team building exercises task us to build an institution that portrayed our personality. Mine was the "Extreme Adventures Academy and Mortuary Services" - institution of higher learning and extinction from the gene pool. I liked it.

One of the competitors spoke of logistics and incident command and deputy staff, blah, blah. They were all about statistics, linear tracking and support from outside entities. See? Doesn't it want to make you hurl? And I only offered a couple of sentences... BUT it began to get interesting once they began outlining their structures in detail. They labeled them "Functional Unit One, Functional Unit Two, Functional Unit Three, etc. For the first five minutes, each member drew out the names.... then they got lazy.

"It is not uncommon for a commander to cite an F. U. within the depressed community." When the speaker attempted to engage the audience... "Which F. U. is no longer needed once the D.R.U. has been replaced by the O.R.I?"

The audience chants, "F. U. 2, F. U. 2"

Giggles, guffaws and snerkles abound. Inner smirks soon boomed into laughter after it was realized that the speaker didn't have a clue....

The following chart shows the relationship of snappy comebacks based on normal conversation.
  I didn't really have any other occasion to use this graph. I just thought it was neat. If you want a laugh, attend meetings. Raise your hand often and then forget what you were going to say. Go to the bathroom a lot. Pass around a hat (put a dollar in first). Make paper footballs. Make it fun. It's the only way you'll survive... NLM

Today in the life of

Today, I was very close to falling asleep during MS Access computer training. The morning was interesting and I learned some very cool stuff about databases. However, I saw what the afternoon was shaping up to be and had a salad and water for lunch, ensuring my alertness during the tedious slideshow and monotone voice of the instructor (though he was good).

I doubly countered the nap monster with extra glasses of water so that my thoughts were of relieving the bladder, thus ensuring I stayed awake less I wet the bed chair. The mandatory breaks helped as well. The important thing is I got through it. More disturbing is the fact that I can't remember too much of the instruction during the afternoon and will probably have to take it again. Oh well.

This week is half over in a few hours and the weekend has the makings of nice weather. I know it is colder in some parts of the country and I can only offer my condolences, but I will take this early spring any day. unfortunately, little precipitation makes for a very dry environment - we need the moisture. That is it for today - yes boring. I am not always fun and games. Mostly, yes, but not always.... NLM

Any volunteers out there?

I think I attract subject matter - that promotes thinking. In this case, the below website is promoting the thousands of layoffs and lack of jobs as an opportunity to "volunteer". While I do take time out of my busy life to do just that, I don't see the current economy as a way of the optimist. However, you be the judge. Volunteer your time and expertise when and where you can. Keep your job if you have one.

From www.blueavocado. org

New Thinking and Talking About Volunteers February 14, 2009 - With new waves of stimulus package volunteers and retirement-age volunteers coming down the road, it's even more urgent that we change the way we talk -- and think -- about volunteers.

Old language (often said in apologetic tone): "We have only a few staff, so we have to rely on volunteers." New language: "Because we have so many volunteers, we don't need more than a few staff."

Old: "Our volunteers help us [staff] so much!" gushes a nonprofit staffperson. New: "Volunteers help the patients so much!"

Old: "We have a couple of volunteers who help with the newsletter," said the director of a nonprofit legal services organization, adding, "Oh yeah! And some pro bono attorneys." New: "Our organization is lucky to have pro bono attorneys, pro bono writers, and pro bono graphics and layout staff."

Old: "We have 25 staff and 175 volunteers," said a museum director starting a speech. New: "We have 200 staff, of whom 175 are volunteers and 25 are paid."

More experiments - so you don't have to

I recently received disturbing new that water that comes out of a microwave "may be hot". The following is the "unverified" storyline...

Microwaving Water!
 
A 26-year old man decided to have a cup of coffee. He took a cup of water and put it in the microwave to heat it up (something that he had done numerous times before). I am not sure how long he set the timer for, but he wanted to bring the water to a boil. When the timer shut the oven off, he removed the cup from the oven. As he looked into the cup, he noted that the water was not boiling, but suddenly the water in the cup 'blew up' into his face. The cup remained intact until he threw it out of his hand, but all the water had flown out into his face due to the build up of energy. His whole face is blistered and he has 1st and 2nd degree burns to his face which may leave scarring.
 
He also may have lost partial sight in his left eye. While at the hospital, the doctor who was attending to him stated that this is a fairly common occurrence and water (alone) should never be heated in a microwave oven. If water is heated in this manner, something should be placed in the cup to diffuse the energy such as a wooden stir stick, tea bag, etc.., (nothing metal).

Before we get into the company's response, I will offer mine. First impressions: the guy was heating a cup of water for coffee, which leads me to believe he was making "instant coffee" automatically making him a narcissistic, somewhat-educated, but lazy boob that does not have a clue how a real coffee maker works. Very few people drink "freeze-dried" coffee anymore. It is mostly used for camping or to munch on for long road trips.

As for the doctor at the hospital - this is a "fairly common occurrence?" Shouldn't this make the evening news along with recalling peanut butter and led-based toys? The answer of "diffusing the energy" by placing a wooden spoon would indeed add a more distinct taste, not to mention saving one's eyesight, but I refuse to add a tea bag to my instant coffee...

What did the manufacturer say? 

General Electric's Response:
 
Thanks for contacting us, I will be happy to assist you. The e-mail that you received is correct. Microwaved water and other liquids don't always bubble when they reach the boiling point. They can actually get superheated and not bubble at all. The superheated liquid will bubble up out of the cup when it is moved or when something like a spoon or 
tea bag is put into it.
 
To prevent this from happening and causing injury, do not heat any liquid for more than two minutes per cup. After heating, let the cup stand in the microwave for thirty seconds before moving it or adding anything into it.

Well, I see another warning label coming to fend off lawsuits. "Beware as contents of water after heating in microwave may be hot and explode all over your face". Idiots. The forwarded e-mail goes on to enlist the knowledge of a "local social studies teacher" in that the testimony from the scientists at GE weren't enough...

Here is what our local science teacher had to say on the matter: Thanks for the microwave warning. I have seen this happen before. It is caused by a phenomenon known as super heating. It can occur anytime water is heated and will particularly occur if the vessel that the water is heated in is new, or when heating a small amount of water 
(less than half a cup).

What happens is that the water heats faster than the vapor bubbles can form. If the cup is very new then it is unlikely to have small surface scratches inside it that provide a place for the bubbles to form. As the bubbles cannot form and release some of the heat has built up, the liquid does not boil, and the liquid continues to heat up well past its 
boiling point.
 
What then usually happens is that the liquid is bumped or jarred, which is just enough of a shock to cause the bubbles to rapidly form and expel the hot liquid. The rapid formation of bubbles is also why a carbonated beverage spews when opened after having been shaken.

 

Pardon me if I would rather hear it from the chemistry or physics instructor. Well, avid readers - you know what this means. I am going to have to experiment with vigor the threat of microwavable exploding water. Again, as with the taser last month (brain is still foggy) I will go about this task so you do not have to. I will keep you informed as I go along - letting you know immediately if my water breaks explodes. As always your servant in times of need to exploit other's inadequacies and stupidity... NLM

 

Today's Comic

Born Again American video

I sent this music video out earlier to some of you. CoffyPot et al sent it to me and i thought it was very well done. Please take about 5 minutes, click on the link, and watch it. Then if you think its worth the trouble, send the link on. Thanks for watching. NLM.

Born Again American Video

Workplace Rules

In keeping with the downsizing and cutbacks, employers and corporations are getting cocky because they realize many people need jobs and will do just about anything to keep them. Some of the following policy changes and updates would have been snubbed or blatantly disregarded. However, they now don't seem like such bad ideas.

Yes, a stimulus package has been passed. This does not entitle you to anything other than brutal competition since we don't truly expect any tangible money to flow through this company for many years, if at all. Until the market makes a 180 change, the following goes into effect MARCH 1, 2009.   

NEW OFFICE POLICY

Dress Code:

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.

4) If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays. 

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing  you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the
stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management
Pass this on to all who are employed!

It's a promotion....

that I wish I got. However, I am, like 500,000 million other jobless Americans (according to some statistics) am progressively going green, downsizing, getting more done with less, etc., etc. After I was informed I was to assist in data input (because they laid off the ones close to retirement), I was led to my new office with great fanfare and pomp.
Wow, I noticed I already had a job in my inbox. I quickly got settled in and found everything I needed to make this new assignment a success.
I did notice my door did not have an inside latch, but I figured I could use the fresh air anyway. Oohh, a window!
Everything had been laid out for me - and I felt right at home.
I was extremely excited to have my own printer. Normally, I have to share one by "network".
I was even issued my own small refrigerator - knowing full well, I was expected to utilize my time in my new home efficiently. I did have a concern that my chair did not have armrests. Maybe I can get those added later. All in all, I realize I am lucky to have one of the new 4 million jobs that has been promised to us - By the people, for the people, be the wee people, whatever. Now if you will excuse me while I check my stocks.... NLM

Upper Management and the powder room

I began yesterday with the simple rantings of someone who was experiencing restroom distress. If I am the first one to discuss this issue, I would be surprised. In review, I sometimes work in an ivory tower where decisions are often made without the knowledge or consent of the little guy. I know, because I am a little guy and rarely am I stopped in the hall for my opinion. But this does not dissuade me. I will tell you why without giving too much information.

The executive men's restroom. I do not know what decision-makers eat,but they should not be allowed in doors after lunch. They should go through some sort of decontamination process and defunkyfyer before returning to a place where I must concentrate. It is hard to concentrate, must less see a computer screen (and hold one's breath) while the eyes are watering.

However, as bad as this effervescence is, it makes me feel better knowing not only does everyone put their pants on one leg at a time, they also drop heir drawers in the same manner. I am no longer just a worker bee, I am a peer.

It is this confidence, that I know I to have the potential to be a top executive someday. True, these goals are lofty, but everyone maintains I am lactose intolerant and I intend to retire with a sizable pension, at the expense of the ozone. Join me and thousands of other middle managers and declare I will stand (or sit with something to read) among the successful.  Walk tall and carry a big stink.... NLM

We all gotta go sometime...

My job as an upper management supervisor within the state government forces me to wear a nice collared shirt with tie, suit (jacket) and uncomfortable, but fancy-looking shoes. It’s no secret that if a guy wears tight/binding underwear, he can effectively stuff and maintain his shirt inside, thereby presenting a professional outward look, while friends and family are jockeying for position.

 

Another trick is keeping your shirt down while keeping the socks up. This of course is done with the help of prostitutes and girls of burlesque – who gave us the idea of garters. The military is also very high on these effective means of professional dress. While I can discuss fashion all day and why I prefer jeans with holes in them and mysteriously stained t-shirts (so I can work outside and not worry about getting dirty), it is not the subject of this posting.

 

I float between two offices. My main office is on the third floor full of administrative specialists. They are all women except for me. There are two restrooms, which depict the gender of the occupant – one with pants (and a tucked-in shirt) and the one with a dress (not me). Since I am the only male on the floor, I pride myself in a clean, well-stocked toiletry; many paper towels, several rolls of toilet paper, hand soap and a clean bowl. In other words, I know if someone has trespassed!

 

In addition, yes, someone has been doing that very thing. How do I know? Well, other than the roll of toilet paper being consumed at an unbelievable rate, the seat is always down! This is unacceptable! I have seriously contemplated leaving it down and laying down a line of strafing material that would require the HazMat team to come in, but that is childish. I am more incline to go into the women’s bathroom and do it. …. So I did…. Go in the women’s bathroom, but only to compare facilities.

 

Guess what? I noticed the difference right away. I have a nice big, real, reflective mirror over the sink. The women have one of those fake mirrors you see when you visit a dingy service station rest room in the middle of a rural, non-populated area. It resembled a clown or fun house mirror. My nose measured 6 inches across – which was good if you needed to do some trimming, but otherwise, would not help to powder.

 

A secondary option is to render the women’s bathroom unserviceable after a particular healthy lunch, but I will more than likely use duct tape to secure the lid in an upward fashion. Maybe I will let it go altogether and keep putting the seat up…. I haven’t decided yet.

 

Well, as I mentioned, this is my own private get away – never realizing, I needed to actually lock the door. However, there is the secondary office at HQ. That men’s restroom is home to about 30 guys on a third floor. More on that at a later date…. NLM