The Nekked Lizards

Very good, in my opinion

******UPDATE****

NBC has nixed airing this commercial (click and view it below).  They say they do not "they do not allow political or issue advocacy advertisements".

This statement comes after PETA was told they COULD show their controversial sexual veggie ad, if they "toned it down".

So NBC would allow the PETA ad, who protects the lives of animals,  but would NOT allow Catholic.org ad that is showing the potential of human life.

I know why depression is such a disease in this country.  The media and the government wants us to believe we are worthless and that we should watch supermodels have sex with veggies instead of marvel at a human life.

That's my soapbox for the day.....

****************************

I am not of the Catholic Faith, but this is very much worth watching! Take a few seconds and watch.....

CatholicVote.org

How to stop an intruder... part duh

…and now to pick up from our previous storyline…

 

H8LY CR8P…WEAPONS OF M8SS DESTRUCTION…WHAT THE H8LL!!!

 

My thought process ended with the weight of a rhino crashing through the door, picking me up out of the recliner and body slamming me onto the hardwood floor, inches away from all furniture good and bad – over and over again….

 

I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, drool from my mouth, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my most precious privates no where to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. Mr. Giggles was making the weirdest sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

 

Note: If you ever feel compelled to test yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative? HA!

 

I have a strong constitution and exceptional threshold of pain and IT HURT LIKE HELL!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were in the kitchen. The recliner was flipped over and nowhere near where it was supposed to be. My triceps, right thigh, and portions of my chest still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

 

I had no control over the drooling and mumbled to Mr. Giggles to warn all wildlife in the area as I opened the door for him to run out. I thought I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. A wisp of smoke faded from what little hair I have on my head. I am still looking for my private parts and considering offering a significant reward for their safe return! Luckily, I had a few hours to regain my composure and put the house back in order before anyone came home.

 

I have since placed the device in a safe place with an extreme not of caution wrapped around the box. As always, my experimentations and seemingly mindless stunts are not recommended for those faint at heart. I do them so you don’t have to. It’s my job and my gift to you… NLM

How to stop an intruder... or not...

As I am not opposed to trying new and exciting things and am prone to boredom, I am all in fervor to relate the latest from the Lizard Research and Development Department. Disclaimer: Nothing was permanently damaged. With that, let us proceed.

 

We all know the depression has the potential of increased petty crimes angaint property and persons. In the event that someone was to invade the ranch, I wanted alternatives to shooting the perpetrator, because - well, after all bullets are expensive…. I saw something in the local pawnshop that sparked my interest. Again, I was thinking purely protection purposes here when I came across a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

 

I read the description of the contents with a smile. “The effects of “Zapper XL 1000z” are short-lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant.” This, as the product description went on, “allows for the timely retreat to safety” – all with only two AAA batteries. WAY  TOO COOL!

As you might have guessed by now, I bought the device from the toothless proprietor and rushed home. After changing into my normal attire (t-shirt and shorts) I found and loaded two AAA batteries in the delicate instrument and pushed the yellow button (has a lightning bolt).

Nothing happened. I wondered if I had been taken. I tried again, this time against the stove. Ha! Yes… pressing the button and holding it against a metal surface at the same time produces a blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Now we are getting somewhere. Unfortunately, I might have to explain why there is a burn spot on the front of the stove.

 

Now what? I am home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it could not be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? I walk around the house looking for other possible metal items (not so noticeable) and reading the directions. Hmmm, what I really need is a flesh and blood moving target. If you are a loyal reader, you will know we have two small dogs (5 lbs and under) and three well-feed cats. The dogs are out of the question. They cost too much. However, the cats – collectively were about $100, and Mr. Giggles is in reality a stray. However, I am the only one he likes, so no sense in making him mad at me too. I did think about it though….

 

However, if we are going to use this thing for ultimate household, invasion protection, I needed assurances it would work as advertised. I would feel pretty silly attempting to zap an intruder and it only made them madder, thus reflecting more damage on myself due to their rage. Logical, that is me all over.

 

So I sat down with my reading glasses perched on the bridge of my nose – the directions in one hand and the taser in the other. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. No sense in that.

 

The device is relatively small, measuring about 5 inches long, and less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!' I will do my best to describe the next few minutes, though I believe even as a wordsmith, I am incapable.

 

Mr. Giggles is lying in the rocking chair next to me – looking at me as he stops his cleaning ritual. His head cocks to one side, as if he knows what I am thinking (reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad). I decided to give myself a one second burst just for heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and…

 

Tune in tomorrow for the exciting conclusion of why you do not want to do this without adult supervision…

Early Riser...

A quick note here because I am going to bed soon. It is almost 7pm. Why? Two reasons mainly. I have to travel to the corner of the state again and have to be there by 07:00 for an inspection. It takes 2.5 hours to get there. I am not alone though. I am meeting fellow inspectors in a centrally-located, normally crime-free area at 04:30. Ouch! To get there, I must leave here about 03:45. Okay, I can get up safely at 03:30, get a shower and out the door in time. But wait! There's more! It is snowing and with the lows predicted to be -3 degrees, I will need to add to driving time - if my intention is to stay out of the ditches. I suppose I better get up at 03:15. By my calculations, that is not too far away. I will go to bed soon, barring animals barking, meowing, running, etc., and asleep by 8pm. That will give me just over 7 hours. Makes for a long day... but I keep telling myself I could be getting up to go to the unemployment line.... I will have a cup (or two) of coffee for you.... NLM

Letters of Rejection (from your Friendly Neighborhood HR Dept)

As Director of the Human Resources Department, I was responsible for interviews, hiring and firing of personnel. I receive thousands of resumes begging and pleading for jobs. My executive status allowed me to hire everyone, but the Accounting Department said I couldn't pay them because we didn't have any money. I went through the motions anyway, because I loved giving people a glimmer of hope and a sense of worth. Instead of candy on my desk, I tried to keep scratch-off lottery tickets. This helped ease the pain in case I needed to downsize. I would include one with the pink slip. Again, this gesture showed I cared.

 

I was also in charge of drafting letters of rejection. This was not my favorite task, though I took pride in it as I do in everything. I thought many of my creative ways of rejection might again lift most spirits and would like to share some of those thoughtful rejection letters with you. Perhaps you can use them at your place of employment - here are a few examples.

 

Dear Sir:
Congratulations! You got the job! That is probably what you were hoping this letter would say. But it doesn't, because you didn't.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department

Dear Sir: A few days ago, you phoned us about the job you applied for with our company, and we told you that you did not get the job. However, we are now writing to inform you that you did not get the job. We wanted to make sure you understood that.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department

Dear Sir:
You recently applied for a position with us, but you did not get it, as we have informed you by phone and by mail. However, we have not heard back from you that you completely understand that you failed to get the job. Please call or write and let us know that you realize that you are not employed by us in any way, and never will be.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department

Dear Sir:
Please be advised that the person we hired instead of you has been promoted to department manager, and he has asked us to inform you that, should a position open up, he would not hire you.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department

Dear Sir:
Would you consider taking a job for less pay than we originally discussed, even though we would never offer you such a job?
Sincerely,
Personnel Department

Dear Sir:
If it is any consolation, we feel that if we had hired you, by now we would have been forced to let you go.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department

Dear Sir:
We are writing to find out what kind of carpeting and curtains you want in your new office. . . . Wait, we made a mistake. You're the wrong person. Oh, well, we're going to go ahead and send this letter to you anyway.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department

Dear Sir:
Could you report for work first thing Monday morning, if you had a job? Just curious.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department

Dear Sir:
While updating our file of job applications, yours was folded into a paper airplane and was accidentally sailed out the window. Would you mind filling out the enclosed application and mailing it back to us in the shape of an airplane?
Sincerely,
Personnel Department

Dear Sir:
As you may have read in the newspaper, our company has been crippled by a union strike, and we have had to call in outside, freelance help, for which we are paying many times the normal salary. We just thought you should know that.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department

Dear Sir:
It has come to our attention that an employee in our department has been sending you unauthorized and inappropriate letters. We have told him not only that he is fired but that we are hiring you in his place. He left here in an uproar, swearing that he was "going to find (you) and crush (your) head like a walnut." (Some of us think he said "like a peanut," but most think he said "walnut.") If he shows up at your apartment, please explain to him that we were just kidding; we would never hire you.
Sincerely,
Personnel Department

Educational update - I am surviving.

After completing 4 classes and well into the 5th, I received a note from my advisor. I have never had such a note, so I am surprised and first thoughts inspire a conspiracy or worse... they might want me to buy something! In any case, I am sharing in my own humble way so that all may partake in my victory over major writer's block when discussing very large words.

Hi,

A faculty member has identified you as an outstanding student and we would like to feature your profile in our internal company newsletter as one of the exemplary students that attend Argosy University. We are also always looking for newsworthy stories about our students so if you have something that you would be interested in sharing with our faculty and staff please feel free to include that information as well.  

If you are willing to participate just answer a few questions on the attached word document and return it to me. I will send a copy of the profile and newsletter once it is complete. I will also need a head shot to include in the newsletter

Thanks

I eagerly await my fame in print. I thought about referring the school to this blog - then thought better of it. Best to keep the mystery of how I can be so smart a secret.

My night job

The secret is out, but many of you suspected it. I am a ninja. I love being a ninja because I get to wear black all the time, sometimes I can get away with really dark navy blue. The darker colors make me look slimmer. When I am out doing search & rescue, we have to wear bright, blaze orange. Do you realize how fat one looks in that outfit? And not from just normal - I can be spotted for miles! Not ninjas. I am stealthy and sleek, almost greasy because I am so smooth. In any case, a compilation of ninja truisms is found below. Everything is not included. It is this reason I am still able to sneak up on you in the parking lot, or peek through your windows without being seen. 

1. Modern Ninjas are generally six foot-tall white or Asian males, unmarried, who live on islands working as bodyguards for evil, French billionaires.
2. Guard dogs cannot kill or overpower Ninjas, no matter how large or well-trained.
3. Ninjas are not only silent — they’re mute from birth. They moonlight as mimes.
4. Orphaned, white teenagers invariably become better at Ninjitsu than the 80 year-old Japanese masters who taught them.
5. Ninja clans can hold grudges longer than the Middle East.
6. Ninjas frequently hold practice sessions in abandoned New York warehouses that somehow still have electricity, but no rat or roach problems.
7. Ninjas inevitably meet their end fighting in death matches held by their evil, French billionaire bosses.
8. Despite their secrecy, Ninjas are actually quite easy to encounter or hire.
9. When it comes to the discriminating, evil French billionaire, an army of Ninjas is the preferred weapon of choice over nuclear weapons, computer viruses, bio-terrorism or rabid Pomeranians.

Feel free to hire me. These are tough times and even ninjas need to eat (though I could just sneak into your kitchen and take what I want...) NLM

Guest writer on the US economy

Note: Guest writer (his views don't necessarily reflect my own but are pretty darn close):

As I contemplate my status as an illegal alien working here in the states, I find that it might not be conducive to stay here and endure the sagging if not diminished economy. Sure, most of the money I made was under the table, but it was for the good of the nation - and others for that matter.... It's not like I took the money and went directly to Wal-Mart to buy merchandise made in China. No, I went to the local food producers and bought meals for the family AND paid sales tax! To get there, I had to fill up my 1972 Chevy pickup with gasoline purchased from the Middle East - and paid Federal excise tax! Yikes. This is not working for me. No matter where I got the money, I had to give it back. This in itself boosted the economy and it worked. Sure, I sent money home via border dogs and electrified fences, but for the most part, I supported America and its ideas of freedom and democracy.

Well, here is an update muchacho. Somebody messed things up for all of us. Okay, not somebody but the American leadership that for some reason, believe they are acting on our best interest. I don't know about you, but I am a little apprehensive about the incoming administration. Maybe I wouldn't be worried so much, but a majority of the hombres that got us into this big financial mess are still calling the shots.

Quick review. $700 Billion dollar bailout - had to be passed - essential for survival - economic collapse - doom and gloom. Okay it was passed. $350B went to the banks. They said, "thank you." They still have it. They are not lending it. They don't have to. Congress never told them they had to pass it on to us little guys.... Now Congress is demanding to release the other $350B so they can pass it out too. Hooray! But where will that money go? To the automakers? The unions? Off shore drilling? Oh but that is not enough. Our your new President wants another stimulus package so he can buy a puppy. Well, that might not be entirely true. However, I am wondering instead of passing these bills and creating money out of nowhere, why not eliminate taxes for a year, or use that $700B dollars and send a check to everyone who has an income (meaning, pays income taxes).

Another concern is - if America is so hard-up and in the financial tank, why are we spending $100,0000 on a presidential inauguration that will take less than a minute to take place? Bush's event, said to be over the top, was only $40M. If I were Mr. Obama, I would have set the standard by toning the ceremony way down..... unless, we are not truly in a depression and certain elected officials just want us to believe that. Just some thoughts.

One last concern and I will go back to the fields. So far, everyone of Mr. Obama's picks as future leaders have either excessive baggage, illegal past activities, or questionable backgrounds. Interesting, but it is not my problem. I look forward to the change to come and will promise that anything I earn as a hard-working migrant worker will stay (for the most part) in American. I love this country and hope she is able to pull out of this mess some of the more greedy politicians got us into.
Signed, Jose Gonzales Don Diego Garcia De Alba Ascencio Mendes-Smith

Who invented meetings anyhow?

While exploring the net, I found the following and rembered it or somethign like it posted a few years ago. Actually, it was not posted. It was typed on a "typewriter" and copied several hundred times and passed around our work area. Minor changes but the concept is still the same. We all go to meetings and dread them. If you are one who holds meetings, conducts them, likes them - you really need to leave this country, taking your handouts and slideshows with you.

I guess that is what makes the scenario so funny. The reality of it all.....

8:00AM: Listen attentively. Take fastidious notes that would put a science reporter to shame.
9:00AM: Tap chin with pen while slightly lifting brows to appear highly engrossed.
10:00AM: Take a relaxed sidelong glance at the clock for no reason. Notice a thirst developing.
10:15AM: Finally let out for a 15 minute break. Crack a joke about bladder control with coworker, grab another coffee and cringe when team leader says time’s up.
11:38PM: Stare incessantly at clock waiting for lunch hour.
12:00PM: Turn white-faced in horror when team leader announces that we should “really go till 12:30 to get through as much of this as possible before lunch.”
12:36PM: Vow to murder the catering company who still hasn’t delivered lunch.
12:41PM: Lunch arrives; cold. Promise to only maim the caterers out in the parking lot and leave them with a pronounced limp.
2:00PM: Drowsiness sets in. Multiple attempts to prevent eyelid flutter. Unexpectedly interesting sentence snaps you out of it long enough to form a decent question.
3:00PM: Momentary glance at cell phone. Silly Twitter messages break up boredom.
4:00PM: Aha! Four already! In the homestretch now.
4:10PM: Look back up at clock. How can it have only been 10 minutes? It should be 5:00 already.
4:15PM: Frantic glance back at clock. Begin thinking of after work plans. Prepare excuse to leave right at five for a “previous engagement” since it’s too late in the day for the dental appointment excuse.
4:16PM: Seriously? One minute? Calm yourself.
4:22PM: Begin burning holes in the clock with your heat vision.
4:37PM: Hey! It passed 4:30 and you didn’t even notice. Things should be wrapping up now.
4:39PM: Any second now.
4:41PM: Q&A? Are you kidding! Annoying coworker asks a two-part question to appear important. Apple polisher.
4:45PM: Dismayed that answer is taking longer than you anticipated. Receive evil glares from coworkers.
4:58PM: Finally! Begin packing up laptop only to hear annoying coworker ask one more question.
5:10PM: Stare at coworker in horror as he asks more sub-questions.
5:12PM: Stand up quickly as speaker finishes answering only to have boss ask everyone to go around and give their opinions and thank yous to the speaker before leaving.
5:47PM: Faint.

Stay in your homes, Swampy may be on the road nearby.

The cousins are on a road trip. We know this because their hometown is once again throwing a party. Swampy, Anodeman, and the puppies came through our county on their way to Dixie. She called me informing me of an impromptu trip that would take about 4 weeks. We met them at Chili's on their first leg. Anodeman had beer, nachos and cheese dip. It was mandatory that no flames be lit for the next few hours. For a more in-depth map and tracking system, please visit heir site at Swampy's Place. This will give you insight to the rants and ramblings of one of America's most famous couples as they traverse around and probably through our most spectacular sights. I will catch you up as soon as I get the news from the local police scanners.