The Nekked Lizards

Christmas tree search - somewhere in Colorado

There was less drama this year, but not without a few scary moments. We are somewhere in the mountains of CO, within the Bureau of Land Management area armed with saws, a tape measure, some rope, and one ski pole. We also had hand held walkie talkies, but forgot to charge them. Never fear, we brought the cell phone - but had no service. This was going to be fun.

We did bring the camera to document the event. I did have a GPS to tell us where we weren't.

We were definitely not in a crowded area. The next few pics just show Poot searching out for the best tree. It is hard to tell what looks good when it is so cold outside.

 

He is using the one ski pole - it's only fair.

The key to finding the perfect tree is to go very far in the woods where no one has ventured before.

We settled on one pretty close to the road. 

After we initially measure the tree and cut it down, thus mitigating for late summer wildfires, we must now measure it again. I have a six foot bed. I am pretty sure we have a 9 foot tree. We proceeded to deliver the tree home without incident by taking the backroads and avoiding all law enforcement.

Until next year - when we are more prepared.... Merry Christmas tree!

Lizzy and the orange noisy toy thingie

This is a series of pics showing the 11-week old Pom puppy Lizzy who enjoys taking a toy from the other puppies because that is what she does. Let's watch shall we?

Do you see the evil in this bitch's eyes and fangs? That is her older sister and mother about to be pounced upon.

Success - she got it...

Uh oh - mom says "nope"

No really, I want this orange thingie.

Discussion?

Mom calls in re-enforcements...

Game over. Mom wins...

Denver and the Nekked Lizard.

Hard to believe it, but my government needs me! Last Friday, my boss informs me that my pressence was requested by the Attorney General's office, just across the street from the state capitol. My current profession lends to certain materials that are important to a state legal case, so my documentation over the past 2 years may finally mean something to someone. 

So I park two blocks away and pay my $10 (which I hope is reimbursed) and walk in the 7 degree/snowy weather. I spend about 3 hours talking to three lawyers about my job, which is actually impressive to those that don't know me. Unfortunately, my ease of articulation may have been my undoing. They suggested I might be called as a witness for the state! As everyone considers this, let's take another look at the capitol...

This one is different, because now I am in the car and driving....Not bad for hanging a camera out a window...

Anyway, they said they will consider what will be best for the case (I hope it doesn't involve me) and hopefully, we'll see the case go before the Federal judge in January. One final shot before I turn to go home.

Motivational Posters

1)     If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.

2)     It's only unethical if you get caught.

3)     The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts

4)     Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.

5)     Sure, you may not like working here, but we pay your rent.

6)     If you think we're a bad firm, you should see our rivals! (We suck less!)

7)     Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings; they did it by killing all those who opposed them.

8)     We put the "k" in "kwality"

9)     If something doesn't feel right, you're not feeling the right thing.

10)  Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity

11)  A person who smiles in the face of adversity... probably has a scapegoat.

12)  If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the situation.

13)  ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE...

14)  We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members!

15)  2 days without a Human Rights Violation!

16)  Our job is still better than asking, "You want fries with that?"

17)  We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile.

18)  Plagiarism saves time.

19)  If at first you don't succeed – try management.

20)  At least you're not being rectally probed by aliens.

21)  Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.

22)  This can't go on for ever, even the Third Reich only lasted 12 years

23)  Never quit until you have another job.

24)  TEAMWORK ... means never having to take all the blame yourself.

Holiday Greetings from Tiger

We just got our Christmas greeting card in the mail. Did anyone else get one?

Retro funnies Pt I: men & women

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.

GENERAL EQUATIONS STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

MEMORY
Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.

APPEARANCE
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

More doctor's notes

Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.

The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three years.

She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.

The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath  with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you would like to work her up.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The skin was moist and dry.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from San Francisco, this man has no children.

Patient was alert and unresponsive.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut, and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Doctor's notes - still funny if not true...

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians (or maybe not):  

• Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a  year.
  
• On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.  
• She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.  
• The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983.
• Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing.  
• I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to floor.  
• The patient is tearful and crying constantly.
• She also appears to be depressed.  
• Discharge status:  Alive but without permission  
• The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him. 
• Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.  
• The patient refused an autopsy.
• The patient has no past history of suicides.
• The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.

2009 is coming to an end...

Oh to be young again and do those stupid, but really cool things we did. Let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we?

Ah, the importance of learning first hand, the meaning of "CRAP!?""That knocked me on my A$$!"

Tastes like chicken...

Peer pressure

Where did I put that rake?

 

High tide cometh...

This needs a caption?

I don't think this one needs a caption either.... "Duh!"

It could be winter....

It's okay, it's seedless...

A flat screen would give more clarity.

I saw my dog do it... or was that my dad?

And the winner is...

Cheers for the micro-brew!

Hang gliding in the Rockies

We have friends who attempt feats of strength, challenge authority, and laugh in the face of death. Many are no longer around to give accounts of their adventures. Our hero in the following story is one such individual.

We have the highest mean average of altitude of all fifty states at about 6,000 ft. We have 56 "fourteeners" that provide the Rocky Mountain highs. It make for good hiking, camping and hang gliding. As I heard from the police report, our friends were hang-gliding near an area where some old timers live - away from civilization.

Hans (not his real name, but it will do I suppose) takes his glider to the top of the ridge, then runs with a yell as he reaches the edge - into the updraft and into the cool, crisp air.

Meanwhile, an older couple were sitting on their rustic porch talking about going into town for supplies before winter hits, when the old lady exclaims she just saw the biggest bird she has ever seen.

"I'm afraid for the cows! Theys all we got!"

"Get my gun!" shouts the old man. The lady brings back the trusty pump shotgun and takes careful aim.

BLAM! BANG! POW! BANG! "YeeHaw!" BANG! POOWWW!

The "bird" struggled a bit, but then continued its lazy circle behind the mountain.

"I think you miss him," the old lady smirked.

"It was quite a distance," he replied, " but I made him drop whatever he was carrying..."